Emotionless
by RainingYellowRoses
Summary: Sai didn't believe in acknowledging emotions. He shoved them down, hid them away, discarded them. Because emotions hurt, they meant you could feel. Pain, anger, sadness, betrayal. Emotions were useless, and so Sai ignored them because in the end all he ever wanted was a little happiness, and yet he knew he would never get it. And it HURT. Danzou/Sai, OMC/Sai, ItaSai if you squint


When he was 10 and a newly made jounin, he was given his first S-rank mission. Infiltration. Objective: locate target, secure information, terminate. Simple enough.

But he was young and he hadn't yet learned how to suppress his emotions. As he moved to slice open the target's neck he heard—

"Daddy?"

A little girl, maybe a year his junior, stood in the doorway. Her eyes wide, her legs trembling with fear, her tiny palms clenching around a stuffed toy, she looked at Sai and then she looked at her father sleeping in the bed, and then back at Sai. She was hyperventilating. She was crying.

Sai must not fail his mission.

She opened her mouth to scream, but he was faster. Her head was rolling on the ground, severed from the small lifeless body it once possessed, before even the slightest of sounds could be uttered.

He turned towards the figure lying unaware in the bed and he lifted his tanto.

Slice.

Mission status: Completed.

~X~

When he was 12 and far more experienced in the art of killing than any child should be, he completed his training in the art of seduction. Danzo had a new use for him now and he was no longer limited to merely assassination and infiltration. He was supposed to be happy, but something inside told him he felt something else, something darker.

Two weeks after completing the training he had his first mission involving seduction.

There was a man—aged 45, greying hair, brown eyes, jounin level—which Danzo deemed dangerous towards Konoha. Sai was not informed why he was dangerous, it wasn't necessary for him to know. He existed purely for the mission, knowing the politics behind the mission was not his job.

All the 12 year old knew was that this man had a soft spot for little boys with black hair and pale skin. All he knew was his mission objective: locate target, allow himself to be 'kidnapped', then terminate target the moment he let his guard down.

Sai remembers the man's wrinkled hands sliding down his frail body. Sai remembers the man's greedy eyes scraping over his trembling and naked prepubescent form. Sai remembers the man's sweaty chest pressed against him as he hovered above, holding him down, trapping him. Sai remembers him taking taking _taking_.

Sai lost his virginity on that mission.

He decided everything was much easier when one didn't have emotions. Emotions could break you. Emotions could impede the mission.

Mission status: Completed.

~X~

When he was 14 he lost the only person who had ever cared for him. Shin.

Kirigakure had a practice in place many years ago in which classmates were forced to kill each other. Children who had protected each other from the cold of winter, children who had bandaged each other's wounds after training, children who had loved each other because they were the only family they'd ever had, were forced to battle till death.

ROOT had adopted this procedure in an attempt to reduce any weakness in their ranks. Anyone who was defeated was unworthy of being ROOT, by eliminating these weaknesses the children were protecting Konoha. Or so goes the story. Only the strongest survive.

And Sai was strong.

But Shin was also strong.

They had defeated all their opponents—it hurt somewhere deep inside, made Sai feel like he was slowly rotting from within, decaying—but it was kill or be killed. And so every day their numbers dwindled, 50 kids one week, 25 the next, and 10 the next. And then one day Sai looked up and the only two left were Shin and himself.

He would have to fight his only friend; he would have to kill his only friend, his nii-san.

But then Shin died of illness. Sai was the only one left, and he wasn't stupid.

His nii-san had killed himself, poison, so that Sai could live. And Sai didn't know if he was supposed to be happy because he didn't have to kill the older boy who had watched over him since childhood, or devastated because it should have been him. He should have died in his place. Shin was a better person than he was. Shin understood emotions, Shin never left others behind. Shin was reckless and caring and he saved lives. He was everything ROOT wasn't, and he was perfect.

Sai was just a tool.

But he wouldn't let his sacrifice be in vain. Shin gave his life for him, so he would live. Despite how much he wanted to end his existence every moment of every day, despite how his fingers trembled with restraint as he tried not to merely grab the nearest weapon and slice his throat open. He could currently think of 23 ways to kill himself before anyone could interfere. He employed none of them.

Shin had sacrificed himself for _him_. He couldn't throw that away.

So he kept existing—_existing_, because what Sai did couldn't be called living. He wasn't living.

The day that Shin died, the day Sai became the last one standing, Danzo met with him personally for the first time. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he was not trembling. He was congratulated, and he did not cry, he did not smile. He looked at the old war hawk, and his gaze did not waver. Mission…eliminate all emotions.

Mission status: Completed.

When he was 16 he saw Uchiha Itachi for the first time. In ROOT the Uchiha was often mentioned as the perfect example of what everyone should aim to be. He had given his life for Konoha, had killed his entire clan for Konoha, had infiltrated Akatsuki for Konoha. He didn't let his emotions get in the way of the mission.

Sai was bent over the desk in Danzo's office, pants around his ankles, face blank, as the older man shoved his erect cock inside him over and over again, when the Uchiha suddenly appeared in the room.

Sai looked at him. Danzo looked at him.

And he looked at them.

Sai could see an emotion pass quickly over his face before it was hidden behind the Uchiha's uncaring stare once again. Sai couldn't place what it was; he didn't understand emotions well enough. But whatever it was the old war hawk had caught it and it made him roughly pull out of the smaller raven.

Sai winced involuntarily and an embarrassing whimper forced its way passed his lips. He panted quietly for a moment and then pushed himself off the desk. He moved to pull his pants up and leave—his presence was no longer required, though he would most likely be called back later in the evening.

He could feel both sets of eyes on him as he moved towards the door, though he didn't know why. He wasn't important; he was nothing to look at. As he reached the entrance to the room he turned around and quickly bowed.

"Danzo-sama?"

He required orders before he left the room.

The man handed him a mission scroll.

"I expect this completed before nightfall. Be back in my office as soon as you have completed the mission."

Sai understood. Danzo would be continuing their interrupted activities upon his return, as expected.

The Uchiha was still looking at him.

"Understood."

He dipped his head towards the Uchiha, "Uchiha-sama."

And then he vanished in a swirl of ink.

The mission was finished easily enough and he returned to his assigned living quarters before visiting Danzo. The older man wouldn't be pleased if he came to him covered in blood. He only liked fucking Sai when he was covered in his own blood, not the blood of others.

The young raven would have started stripping immediately in preparation of a shower, but he wasn't alone. There was another presence in his apartment. His leg was injured but he stayed standing, on alert.

"You don't have to let him touch you. That is not your duty to fulfill."

Uchiha Itachi was seated on a chair; legs folded neatly, hands crossed in his lap, eyes deactivated and watching him.

"It is my duty to serve Danzo-sama in whatever form he desires. My actions are his to command."

The older raven looked sad but he smiled—though Sai could not tell why. Was this a situation one normally smiled in? He tilted his head in confusion.

"You don't understand emotions very well do you?"

A change in conversation topic was unexpected.

"Emotions serve no purpose. They hinder the mission. Emotions can….damage you."

Damage didn't seem like quite the right word, but it fit well enough. Sai hoped the older man understood what he was trying to say.

There was a moment of silence. Sai didn't understand why this man was in his room. He didn't understand why he was talking to him. They had no prior meetings before today and Sai wasn't sure if this was something that was considered normal behavior. Did people normally wait in the apartments of those they didn't know and then hold a conversation with them as they stood dripping blood onto their floor post-mission?

He supposed it could be normal. He really didn't know.

And then the Uchiha was suddenly standing in front of him and Sai had to look up in order to see his face. Sai felt uncomfortable and his hand twitched slightly towards his tanto. He couldn't defeat this man if he planned to fight him but he would try.

The older man caught the movement and squatted down, allowing the younger of the two to have a higher ground. Now Sai was looking down at him instead of up. It was less intimidating.

"What is your name?"

"I don't have one."

The Uchiha quietly let out a curse directed at Danzo, then looked back at the boy in front of him.

"I know you're capable of feeling. I know you feel things and you don't understand them, you ignore them. You've shut yourself off. But I want you to do something for me. Do you think you can manage that?"

Sai looked at him blankly.

"Manage what?"

Itachi let a small smile appear on his face.

"I want you to try feeling again. Emotions can damage, but they can also repair."

"From my experience they only hurt. I will be unable to concentrate fully on the mission and Danzo-sama will punish me. I do not wish to feel."

The older raven's face tightened, eyes narrowing and smile darkening.

"Let me worry about Danzo. He will not hurt you anymore. I want you to start feeling again. Will you try?"

Sai thought for a moment.

"I will try."

"I'm glad."

Itachi smiled and then he was gone.

Sai took a shower and reported to Danzo. The man listened to the mission report and then told Sai to strip. Itachi had said it wasn't his duty…

But the young ANBU was unable to refuse. The older man would take by force if necessary, and it was always easier for Sai if he was willing. It didn't hurt as much.

For the first time in a few years, Sai found himself crying. He turned his head to glare weakly at the desk he was bent over so that Danzo would not see this weakness.

Itachi had said he wouldn't be hurt…but he was and oh, that's what betrayal felt like.

Sai decided he didn't want to try feeling anymore.

Somewhere far away Uchiha Itachi let a single tear run down his face as the clone he had left to protect Sai poofed out of existence. He had been summoned by Akastuki to start the process of extracting the two-tailed demon and he didn't have enough chakra to sustain the clone. The tear ran down his face as the clone's memories hit him—it had poofed out of existence right as Danzo told the boy to strip.

Itachi cried for the broken boy whom he had tried to save but in the end only damaged further.

And Sai stopped caring.

Mission…pleasure Danzo.

Mission status: Completed.


End file.
